


the parts we play --

by hedonistic_opportunist



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Past Relationship(s), Present Tense, Vignette
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-01
Updated: 2019-12-01
Packaged: 2021-02-26 23:53:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 786
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21637651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hedonistic_opportunist/pseuds/hedonistic_opportunist
Summary: Sometimes Buffy wonders whether the only thing she’s capable of these days is driving people away from her.
Relationships: Angel/Buffy Summers, Spike/Buffy Summers
Comments: 3
Kudos: 4





	the parts we play --

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I seem to be utterly incapable of writing anything for this fandom other than gen. I wanted to write Buffy and Drusilla, but, instead, you just get this. I guess this is all the meta! reading catching up with me from my early Buffy fandom days. While this is my first official fic, this was my first fandom. Yay, I guess? 
> 
> Warning(s): Character-heavy fic, so no plot. In medias writing! Present tense. Self bet'ed. Allusions made to certain events in Season 6, albeit as tentatively as possible. All criticism / feedback accepted - especially in regards to characterisation. 
> 
> What I am not interested in, though, is any bashing on ships etc - I am an equal opportunity shipper, and the only thing I am interested in is seeing my girl happy. However, if you do have fanfic recs, please be my guest :D

\--

  
Buffy doesn’t know what she is expecting while out here on patrol – it’s the same old, really. The sun has set, leaving behind nothing but a trail of darkness – broken merely by the occasional glimpse of a pale moon and a star here or there.

It’s hard to believe that she’s in California, because it’s breezy, and -- as she exhales -- she can see a whiff of fog escaping her mouth. She rolls her eyes and tugs at her long sweater, wondering just how she’s been able to cope with this for so many years. It’s not so much that her sleep schedule is out of whack or that she’s not there while Dawn is at home, but that most nights – especially nights like this – are incredibly dull.

She’d take a book with her, but Buffy has found that she’s not got the patience for that – not anymore. In fact, she’s kind of grown used to the monotony, even liking the moment when a vamp tries to creep on her just before she drives a stake through its heart.

And that’s precisely what gets to her these days – namely that she’s used to it, that she can’t imagine a life removed from slaying. Of course, she thinks, she tried the normal thing with Riley: tried to play the loyal girlfriend while saving the world. Looking back at it, she can only smile bitterly at the memory. Not that what followed with Spike was much better either -- neither for her nor for him. In fact, she thinks that the whole fiasco nearly destroyed Spike as much as it did her.

Buffy sighs, not wanting to dwell back on the mess that was her relationship with Spike last year. He’s back now with a soul and all, but Buffy cannot let herself fall into the illusion that being with him would – in any way – undo the guilt she still feels for how she treated him. Monster or not, he still loved her – truly loved her – and Buffy took advantage of that, using his affection as a means to make herself feel better. It does not mean that what he tried to do to her was not awful, but she also knows that the memory of _that_ is a living nightmare to him. It’s not just in how he tentatively touches her these days, it’s how – sometimes – she can tell that he wants to ride away, wants to seek out a redemption arc for himself in order to fully find the strength to forgive himself. She also knows that he thinks he’s not good enough for her. She already knows that – part of him – is already in the process of making assumptions on what she needs. Just like Angel. 

Sometimes Buffy wonders whether the only thing she’s capable of these days is driving people away from her. Of course, Spike said that he would stay, but she knows – sooner or later – he’ll leave. They all do.

But Buffy doesn’t want to pity herself. She knows that, to a large extent, being a slayer is solitary and that romantic attachments do not come easily; Angel taught her that, and – even though the memory of him breaking her heart still hurts – she knows that he made her grow up in a way no one else could have. For that, she will always be grateful.

He taught her to keep fighting even in the midst of heartbreak. He made her find the strength to keep going on -- no matter what.

Buffy finds herself smiling at that – it’s funny to think that she’s only realised this recently. That not having a partner attached to herself is not the end of the world, that she is more than fine with just saving it and being a good role model to the next generation of slayers. That's she is fine with being a sister and friend. 

And, while being a slayer can be lonely, it’s not that she’s isolated. She’s got Willow and Xander. She’s got the rest of her Scoobies. She knows that Giles will always have her back. And - even if Angel is in LA – she knows that she can count on him when she needs him to be there. Same goes for Spike. Also, it looks like Faith might finally become something closer to a friend than an enemy. So, she might be lonely at times, but she is not _alone_. 

And that is a lot more than she ever envisioned for herself when she moved to Sunnydale, eager to escape the responsibility bestowed upon her. She sought normalcy but found her vocation instead – and that is to keep on fighting, not just for herself but the world she cares about so much.

\--


End file.
